Pupsies is playing at 100% volume right now lol.

I don't think this one will be long, I just want to document some thoughts I had.

I feel like an accessory to my parents, to my family. My interests—which I do identify heavily with—are all I am allowed to be here. Only the ones they approve of, of course. Everything I do has to be sanctioned. I have to do what they want.

I just spent the last five days participating in a religious function just so I can get a sliver of a chance to go out to the mall alone with friends, and possibly go to a friend's house for the first time in years. It feels ridiculous.

I don't know what to do.

I used to think that, because it was something I'd established as a child, they were fine with me not taking up any sort of faith. I learned I was wrong, oh so wrong. I didn't know it was such a problem for me to be this way. I didn't know I was such a problem, really.

Maybe I did know, deep down. Maybe that's why it's so easy to disregard my life sometimes, because what is it at this point.

The big decisions in life have been made for me, I'm just following it through.

Tomorrow feels so far away.

Every argument a losing battle.

I just want to exist.

I want to feel like I can.

I now have a physical signifier of the double life I already lived for so many years already.

I dont' want to live like this anymore, but I have no choice. I want to be the person—the anxious, loud, impatient, girl, atheist, whatever the fuck—I want to be.

I'm not even sure I know what I want to do with my life.

I'm sure I don't know, actually. Wasn't my descision really.

I can't live like this.