Remember those dysphoric thoughts from the April 2nd entry I briefly mentioned? Yea they wanna play ball.

Being a transgender woman [wow that sounds so official] is scary. I think you're very existence being questioned in your home without it being known is one of the most tense feelings I've experienced. I've fully known I was a trans woman since around the age of 12, however I felt different since I learned how male puberty would change me. I've been outed time after time and most recently got called a drag queen! [Nothing against queens, it's just very invalidating.] For the past four years I've come to fully accept myself, and in turn I've lost my sense of self.

One of my best friends once put it best—on accident too—when she told me, "You're a living body but you're not alive."

And god do I want to live.

Depression and dysphoria are the only double d's I've been blessed with and it's drained the ever-loving hell out of me! Knowing you're trans and constantly fighting the people who control your life, but not actually fighting them because admitting you're transgender is like a death sentence to everything you love is really hard. I literally had to argue with my mom over me not getting a haircut this morning, and have been fighting about it with her all week! Monthly hair cuts might just be the death of me.

The anxieties of this all come from time though. One of the films that've impacted me the most is Jane Schoenbrun's "I Saw the TV Glow". In that film, and in other transgender spaces I've peaked my head into online, I've seen the common, uplifting notion, that it's "never too late," and I agree! However, on the other side of that coin, not receiving gender affirming care early on can be life altering and maybe even life threatening.

The things I say and want feel so stupid and childish, and I'm worried about coming off that way despite transition being second puberty, but fuck man I just want to be a pretty girl! And I'm scared I won't be when I'm older, horrified, really. It's a big contributor to what I've been told by family and friends is an on-and-off eating disorder. I want to weight cycle, meaning I lose weight now and gain it back after going on estrogen so my hormones can tell the fat where to go. But to do that I think said disorder might come back worse than it ever was. I'm scared of myself for that, deeply. I'm not in a solid mental state to properly self regulate and that is in great part due to the fact that what I'm trying to regulate in preparation for is what's keeping me down! It's a negative feedback loop and the only way I've found I can control myself is by keeping my spirits up creatively and through calls with friends who call me the name I am. Even then that feels inauthentic because I don't look like a girl! I know I'm valid for my feelings but I don't feel that way.

There's a feeling of desire, regret, and resentment towards myself that I feel whenever I remember that there are some experiences I'll never get. I never was that wide eyed little girl, and I can't pretend I knew my whole life that I was trans. I was a stereotypical boy who still has stereotypical boy interests at that. Yet I get a rush of joy whenever I put my real name on an order for food. It's a home thing I think, a vacation thing too. I love pools and the beach so much and they make me feel like shiiit.

I don't want it to seem like I'm infantilizing the transgender experience though! Like sometimes I feel like and want to be that little girl I never got to [which in itself is a scary thing because topics like age regression, or even just acting your age are touchy in communities outside of the transgender sphere]. But, at the same time I want to be a grown woman. I was literally sending one of my best friends lingerie I wanna wear when I'm older and he directed me to a place that has more cute stuff. [Ty Kiana, in case ur reading ♡] It's a transient state of being, I think. That's what makes it so confusing.

Before moving onto college stuff—because this entry is also about that, yea—I want to share the piece of art below by @siegmxnd on Twitter! It made me cry! Bawl my eyes out, really. I love it so much. I then later learned through a quote-retweet that, "she is an indian transgender girl and smart and nice and would get really sad if you didnt love yourself. also she craves little accessories and shit like that." Which made me cry more, because she is literally me. Holy shit. So I just had to share! Go follow them. The corner image for this entry is also from him.

College. [Note to reader: imagine that gif of iShowSpeed scared in black and white here]

This section is far more brief because I've thought extensively enough about this topic and it's far less complicated to the point that I know exactly what to say about it. Going from high school to college is a very stress-inducing experience, at least for me.

While my fears of my schrodinger-social-life being uprooted have already been discussed at length in the previous entry, I have not gone on record to discuss my pending career. To that effect: I'm not sure about it! I'm going to attend the same college as my friend Kiana, but that's like the main thing I'm riding on. My dad had my major set to undecided, and I'm probably going to end up in pharmaceuticals. Now he's said things to me about the pay of that career, however it's only now dawning on me that I'm unsure if that was to convince me to become a lawyer [like he wants] or in genuine concern, always hard to tell if that guy's manipulating me or not, story for another day.

While his skewed perception of the carreer, due in part to the USA Network's show "Suits," has certainly been concering to me due to how adamant he is about me going into this field. I can't lie and say he's incorrect. I agree with him that I could, theoretically speaking, make a great lawyer! I have the perfect set of skills for the job. However, I dont have the moral compass for it. Especially not for corporate law, which he's suggesting I enter. I also don't have the strength to be a doctor, even when consulting or doing check ups. This isn't due to me being squeamish or anything, but rather the eventuality of a patient's death. I don't think I could handle it. Thus, pharmacy! It should pay reasonably well, and I should be fine.

Though will I be happy?

I think it's stupid to bring my happiness into play for my future career, but my feelings probably dictate my behaviour, which I'm not sure is the best thing. I think the position I'd feel best in is as a writer. I've thought about doing art before, but I can't do it. I've been cut off from pursuing any creative endeavours in life and it's partially my own fault. I shouldn't be allowed to be upset about it.

This made me very upset when my friend, who so easily could pursue art, is settling for her father telling her to do AI Development, but that's neither here nor there.

Writing though—like creative writing, being an author—that's the dream. When you get into a flow for it it feels like you're a god. The same thing is true for art, but it's been discouraged by my family to a degree that sometimes I feel them staring whenever I pick up a pencil. There was a period in time where I'd draw almost everyday, and my dad would get so mad about it? It's weird, whatever

Though writing doesn't pay the bills, and going into something I'm only doing for the money, while prosperous, is worrisome. If there's no passion, will I really be able to do it? It's all uncertain. This, my transition, the entirety of the college experience.

I'm scared. That's all there is too it.