April 10th, 2026

This is probably the worst time to be writing one of thse. It's like 1:30 AM and I want to be in bed cuddling my plushies but I have to write this down or I'll go crazy.

You ever just feel behind, yet ahead at the same time? A sick feeling of disconnect that boils your stomach acid til it makes you dizzy and lightheaded. I don't know what I'm typing ugh. Truth be told I had a panic attack earlier. I have friends in high school, however I realized recently that I don't think I'll retain any sort of close contact with any of them in the future.

I've become easy to agitate. I know there are a lot of reasons for it... repression of my identity, educational frustration, general malaise too. Though I never express any anger towards anyone because I'm not mad at people I'm just upset. This leads to me getting closed off and quiet, which in all fairness is more of a default state than I realize, but that's neither here nor there.

This happened in grade school too haha. I distanced myself from all my peers by the end of the year and now—to them—I've all but dropped off the face of the Earth. Though I had a reason there is the thing. Here I just feel like I'm not even anyone's real friend...? The way I am, the way I act and think, it's unlike the people in my school, my friends at least. Now this isn't at all to say that I'm upset about that! I adore the people I call friends as people. On a fundamental level they're wonderful human beings. It's just a difference of operation. Talking to them has begun to feel like there's a constant barrier—like I'm the only andriod user in a sea of apple consumers and I'm being self conscious about my green texts. To put it more aptly [And using an analogy from one of my favorite comedians: Randy Feltface], I feel like the time traveller's wife every time I "hang out" with them.

"Hang out" is in quotes because god knows I only do that in school, which I thought was a huge factor for why I'd get irritated, right? It makes sense... going back to school this year formed such a pit in my stomach, I'm traumatized by that building. Yet, I was just on a call with two friends from my class, close friends, incredibly so. Yet I started losing my mind. I can't emphasize enough I was hyperventilating like a motherfucker. Funny thing about me and panic attacks [not funny at all actually] I collapse when I get them! Really I've noticed myself getting worse, of course I have, but I don't know what resources I can use in such a situation. I was supposed to check in weekly with my guidance counselor—mandatory shit, right? Yet she just stopped calling me at one point? Maybe I'm supposed to be going to her now instead, but nothing of the sort was established in any writter or verbal capacity between us so I don't know.

Fuck man, I'm the type of person to need weekly check-ins? Let me recenter myself.

I think the point I'm trying to make is I miss simplicity. I miss when laughing with these people didn't feel so hard because I can't even go out with them if I wanted to. I hate how intrinsically antisocial I come off because of my dislike of large gatherings or parties. I refuse to go to prom and I'm fighting not to go to graduation. If the school was smaller, maybe I'd attend, but its a nearly 700 kid class. There's something so anxiety inducing about it, but also just so frivolous to me. I just want to be done with the place though, I know that. This is a me thing—not a classmate/friend thing.

You know the thought crossed my mind that they might read this, no they won't. I know they won't, they aren't the types I think. Only one of them are actively aware of site updates because I post them in a server she's in.

This is such a ramble, hold on. I'm going to read this back and properly center my thoughts. It's so funny how all my thoughts vanish when I begin writing these.

I think it's a matter of me not grasping the scope of the disconnect between myself and my [in person] peers. "Once you see it it haunts you forever." That kinda stuff. We're similar people, certainly get along well, but incapable of carrying long droning conversations because we never had the time to develop a real relationship outside of school. I say this in reference to my peers as a whole.

I feel replaceable. Thats it. I've been skirting around it the whole time, but I just feel like a fly on the wall. I can contribute to a conversation, give my own two cents, but I don't see it truly adding to anything. The scary thing is I can't tell if it's a depression thing or not. I was really thinking last week how if I died [of natural causes at least] it wouldn't matter in the long run because what did I really add?

God I'm fucking rambling. I feel sick. Sorry. This is barely even about growing up or moving on. Let me circle back for one last time.

I've had the thought before of cutting everyone off after the last day of school. From there I could kill myself or just go on living, it doesn't matter. [I say that in sense of freedom, not a nihilistic sense.] I don't want to do that though, but I don't think I'll be speaking to these people often at all, and that makes me sad and confused and my brain starts to break. I've been kept inside and don't get real opportunities to hang out with the people I call my friends to the degree that I feel lonely at home and can't keep up with them at all when they speak. Yet, at the same time, sometimes I feel like they're from a whole different dimension and I'm the only person who can understand english. I've relegated myself to be upset in silence so long it's manifested into an internal unwanted anger.

I feel behind and ahead all at once.

It's not too late, but I somehow only managed to open up when it feels like it's all ending.

Twenty-five days of school left starting Monday. Sorry I rambled so much. I don't know what I want out of this, I just needed to put it out there. It's hard to organize something that has no order.

If you care to listen to a good album, I'd say the entirety of my feelings are well summed up by Twinkle Park's As Much As I Forget. Beautiful stuff, vocaloid too! Only about 40 minutes haha.

See you later, love you.