Man, I'm tired...

First month of school is done and I finally found the motivation to continue working on this site now that I've somewhat settled into a rhythm to do my work. Mind you it's not a particularly good rhythm, but it's a rhythm nonetheless. Ok so I literally just went and checked and I had to send in a baby photo for the yearbook by 11:59 tonight... good thing I checked.

I've never been one for "school spirit", the concept never struck me as anything worth my time. I'm not the kind to go to the Prom, or Pep Rallies, or the Senior BBQ, or the Disney Trip. The main reasons I have for that is the money it costs to attend and how loud and rowdy those events can become; it's not good for my senses at all. However, sometimes I just don't want to go. There was a field trip in this honors art class I was in last year and I purposely stayed home that day. That was planned. At my high school there's a policy that you can't have more than 5 absences, and that art class met once every Wednesday for 3 hours after school, so missing it once counted as missing it for 5 days. This absence policy only applies quarterly and not for the whole year though. So, I took my fourth quarter absence to skip a field trip, and I honestly don't regret it.

That art class was my kryptonite. The entirety of my junior year of high school was kryptonite and I'm making it up my senior year. The amount of anxiety attacks I'd get in like... math class. My math teacher, art teacher, spanish teacher, and my guidance counselor all told me to seek therapy one way or another. That's insane to me. Like in eighth grade there was a period of time I'd get sent to the school counselor weekly, but man I never thought it'd get to the point where my teachers were pointing it out. I do remember my eighth grade teachers pointing out me distancing myself from other students, my eyes becoming more and more bloodshot as the year went on; but I don't think I'd have expected myself to be crying before classes started in high school. Thankfully, instead of doing that, now I'm numb, and all passion has been taken out of learning! It sucks too, because my classes are good -- despite some being too easy for me -- my teachers are amazing, and I'm doing well. There just isn't a spark there though. I'm so mad at myself for not doing well last year, I should've been in so many APs. Three teachers told me I should've went into AP instead of Honors or Regular. I really, truly, try not to dwell; the past is the past, I can't change it. However, there's a very real, however small, part of me that wants to do the entire thing over again. But I can't. My grades are good right now, I just need to keep it up. My first AP Physics test is tomorrow actually, so wish me luck on that front!!

Great now I gotta figure out the unicode for a warning symbol to put in the link for this entry lol. I was definitely holding back what I was saying, it's scary to put yourself out onto the internet even with how little reach this website truly has. I wish my best friend could see it. She's not dead, but her parents cut all contact from her and the outside world, pulled her out of school and put her back into homeschooling. It's a rant for another time but I've been thinking about her for like the past two hours and rereading old messages ["I try not to dwell" my ass] and I just miss her. Starr where are you </3. I really hope she's okay. We used to talk at night a lot so that our parents wouldn't find out, but on August 1st they did. I blame myself for that. We were on call, and she fell asleep first, and I just didn't hang up. I don't even fully remember why. I think part of me figured she'd wake up and part of me figured I'd stay awake, but I fell asleep 10 minutes after. And now her whole future is jeapordized and I do sincerly think it's my fault. Her education, her social life. She was going into at least 3 AP Courses. She's brilliant, I love her so much.

Fuck, it's a cloudy night.

I associate the moon with her, the night sky in general, but seeing the moon especially. We have this fantasy that we're going to go stargazing together -- I hope it happens one day -- and the stars are impossible to see in New York, so we settle for the moon. That combined with the fact that we'd text and call late at night. [It's where her nickname, Starr, comes from :3]

But the moon hasn't been out the past few nights I've checked, and it's making me worry about her. It's superstitious [stupid, really], I know, but I can't help it.

I'm in love with her, honestly, but she's straight [supposedly, to me and her other friends it's very obvious she's deeply closeted but I'm not one to pry at someone until they realize that just roots it deeper] so I have no chance, especially not with her being impossible to contact.

I miss her :[

Speaking of gay girls actually, I started reading this novel, Hani and Ishu's Guide to Fake Dating by Adiba Jaigirdar, and it is amazing. It's so freaking adorable and accurate. There are moments in that book where I pause and giggle to myself because something similar has happened to me or I could see it happening to me. Everything is so on point, and that's likely thanks to the author also being Bengali, like the two main characters. Like, for example, Hani's full name is Humaria, but her Irish friends call her Maria for short, and in my head when I heard that that I thought, "thats fucked," and in the first proper conversation between Ishu and her Ishu says how she refuses to call her Maria it's a bastardization of her name and that is just so perfect. I'm only 9 out of 54 chapters in but I have a feeling I'm going to love it.

It's 12:10 now, I really should get going to bed, especially given my test tomorrow. My niece kicked me in the lip and it bled and now it's swollen and it's been so annoying while writing this. Especially given the fact that my biggest comfort stim/sensory regulation tactic/whatever other fancy term for "thing my body does that calms me," is sucking my bottom lip, and so now I can't without it hurting, and I'm just pouting because the swelling feels weird. I hope it stops overnight.

Okay... I think that's all. Expect the Writings page to be done by the end of this week, talk to you soon!! :3